Bittersweet

Beginnings and endings are transitions that seem to be a constant in life. Yet there are some that affect us more than others, so much so that it inhibits our abilities to use clear judgment when needed. We can all relate to moving to different places if that has happened in our lives. I certainly have moved around in my life. In fact, the images of each one of those moves are still with me. I see it now: The boxes are all packed and duck-taped neatly. The more delicate items have been cushioned properly and double-boxed if necessary. The clothes are in a variety of bags and suitcases. The entire place looks barren without the furniture or decorations around. The trucks have been loaded. The memories linger in the emptiness and silence within those walls; some good, some terrible, and others just mundane past-times.

It is May of 2018 now. A lot has changed. Roughly three years ago--I was getting ready to move into my new place. I was at long last entering the phase of being a homeowner. I remember the excitement and preparation that went into it: all the paper work, the phone calls, the changes, the hunting for properties, the inspection after selecting one, putting in an offer, and so on. Then came moving day where bit by bit, I began taking my belongings over there. I had to assemble an IKEA bed with family members, along with some other furniture. I remember battling the army of ants that took over my kitchen and bathroom (they made a return last month with another ensuing battle on my part). It's surreal to think that I used to live there for almost three years. It's a somewhat bittersweet memory. I was leaving my old home--one that I'd gotten so accustomed to that I wasn't ready to be in a new bed--a place that I'd not been familiar with before. Yet I left. And now having returned to headquarters aka the place I know best, it's come full circle. I am still a homeowner though a landlord now. It was a decision that was deemed the most logical and wise at this point. It is odd to feel like I'm back where I started but perhaps that is where my journey will go.

It was the end of my old life when I moved out, and the start of a new one, and having moved again back to old surroundings, it's no longer the same. It's still a new chapter. Change is inevitable. It just is. And if you're stubborn like me, you'll try to fight the change. You'll try to fight your nature. You'll try to make excuses to get out of things. But that the change will happen. The transformation will have already begun before you're even aware, and if you don't allow it to occur organically--the more painful and difficult these transitions get. I should know. I still find it an uphill fight some days when I set my expectations in the realm of "highly unlikely" and "forcing it doesn't work". It's not to say that I don't have goals. However, I now always remind myself not to attach specific outcomes to them as I have in the past. I leave you with another cliche as last time: Do your best, and leave the rest.