An Intrinsic Fatigue

It's been a while since I've blogged here. Suffice it to say that I forgot about a personal blog! I focused my attention elsewhere. I've included art pieces in here that I did that express my feelings. To see more of my work, check out my art page or find me on Instagram: @vaniisaedraws

Anyway as I was saying, I had forgotten about a personal blog. But I suddenly came across my lonely Vintage for the New Age page and realized something. I had left my true inspirations behind in 2018. Something clearly had shifted in 2019. But why? I took some to really reflect on what the cause could have been and came to the conclusion that it was the result of a combination of things. I think a part of it had to do with the fact that the place where I used to work shut down after July 2018. Of course, we were worried it was coming and perhaps had even braced ourselves for it. Yet, it proved to be one of the worst and most painful things to happen personally.

I loved teaching at this school. My students were like the go-getters of Class 1A in My Hero Academia. I got to go full-on geek with game design and graphic arts hopefuls. While the courses I taught were in the general education section, I nevertheless got to teach some of the most fun classes like Sci-Fi Lit, Thriller and Horror Lit, Creative Writing, The Humanities, and Comparative Lit (which I developed from scratch). I didn't get to teach Comics as Lit because I left to teach elsewhere before returning back--and alas I didn't get to teach it because it wasn't offered at the time. I'm hoping someday I can revive this class and teach it again. But all of this is to say that 2018 was a year of recovery for me. I started drawing again (after an impossibly lengthy hiatus) and was really proud of the progress I was making. I was immersed in my world of fandoms, writing, teaching, and doing art. Then...when the school shut down, I was unemployed and back to square one.

I remember that I'd experienced genuine happiness since the start of my recovery. I'd been able to enjoy going to an anime convention, doing art, teaching a class I loved, and working on personal projects. Once the school closed, I started to look for more work. I thought I could work a government job, but I soon found out how inadequately prepared I was on a mental scale. My recovery was still a work-in-progress and the challenges of that job ultimately fizzled out and led me to get an ESL certification. I started working as an ESL teacher soon after, but then we got hit with the pandemic and all of us were laid off. I wondered if I was simply doomed to be the adjunct faculty wonder, never fully realizing her potential. But of course, there were pluses. I was voice acting and creating art, stickers, stories, and more. However, I noticed I couldn't reproduce the same euphoria I felt in March-July of 2018. 

Let me just say though: I promise this post isn't a downer. I'm just sharing a little bit of what went on so far. Think of it as those moments in Supernatural "The Road So Far". When Covid hit in March 2020, the pandemic certainly scared me. When we first went into quarantine, we were all vigilant, stayed indoors, and waited for news. For a hermit like me, it was initially great to be home. But very soon, a cognitive dissonance rose up--Groundhog Day. I was stuck. Again. And the news was more alarmist than it had been in years. More violence. More fear. So, what were we to do?

I spent time reassessing my efforts. I realized that the kind of teacher I wanted to be was waiting for the right kind of class to teach again. So, I created a new site, a new endeavor, and started to slowly rebuild in 2021. I also have a spiritual blog! Now that were at 2022, we are still facing the pandemic, and an intrinsic fatigue has been embedded into our bones. Now more than ever, we need kindness and compassion for ourselves and for others around us. I've been crabby and angry with the state of the world, angry that humanity hasn't achieved the potential it's capable of, and angry that I have yet to contribute in a way I feel is useful. But then again, what are we but constantly striving to make things better? The news and media may present the darker side of humanity more often, but I look to sites that offer good news to renew my hopes and faith in our species--because it is out there. We just have to know where to look. 

And since I haven't said it yet, Happy New Year readers. May this year bring brighter tidings than the previous.